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About Literature / Artist kelsey rakesFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 8 Years
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Newest Deviations

Riding Bikes
Going off medication is like riding a bike.
The doctor holds tight to my handlebars and lowers my dosage. The training wheels are off, and oh hey, look at me go! It's like flying but not, and I'm doing so well but then there's a horrible accident and I'm somehow upside down at the bottom of the sea with both wheels still spinning.
"Help," I say, and my doctor pats my head, puts a band-aid on my knee, and writes a note on my chart.
I've balanced by myself for months at a time, but I always end up hitting a fucking tree or falling off a cliff or something equally catastrophic because I am a catastrophic person. Except that is an exaggeration. I am an exaggeration.
I like to compare mental illnesses to mundane physical activities. Also you should know that I am sick but trying to get better.
Sometimes I relapse and then write poems about it.
It's not even the kind of sick where people bring you soup in bed and soothe your fevered brow. It's the kind of sick where I'm late to work because
:iconestallidos:estallidos 726 395
compulsive liar.
once i asked you your favourite
colour, and you said, "the brown
of your eyes," so i put in one green
contact and told everyone that i
came out of the womb as a factory
defect, half-priced, damaged goods.
sometimes i am from canada and
sometimes i am from england and
sometimes i am from spain.
i've carefully tempered my accents
and plotted out my stories with
yellow and purple coloured pencils
on index cards. my origin changes
like the seasons.
"why do you lie to everyone?" you
"why not?" i reply.
i wear nametags that read "alicia"
and "liana" and "samantha," because
i want to know how it feels to be
someone else for a day.
you make me a nametag with my
real name on it, and i just laugh.
(later i slip it beneath my mattress
and spend the night staring at the ceiling.
see, i've tried myself on one too many
times, and the fit is never right.)
you call me your little compulsive
liar, and i guess that is supposed
to be somewhat affectionate.
or something.
i spin before the mir
:iconestallidos:estallidos 3,037 597
stop ruining autumn.
fall makes me think of leaving and of apple cider, though i never liked apple cider.
but i liked the idea of it.
two years ago i met a boy as fragile as dead leaves who called me his little spring girl. (i'd always liked autumn the best.) he kissed the two soft dimples on the small of my back and told me helikedme helovedme hewantedme.
and oh, by the way, "everything good must come to an end."
on our one year anniversary we picked out two pumpkins and i drew elephants on them for us to carve. he cut his out so aggressively that it lost its shape.
lopped off tusks and broken trunks became just a large, jagged hole.
he put a lit candle inside, and we watched it flicker, illuminating the raw edges.
"what is it supposed to be?" i asked him, taking his hand.
"my heart," he said definitively.
like an afterthought.
after that i was too afraid to carve my pumpkin at all.
the leaves changed, or maybe he changed, or maybe i was b
:iconestallidos:estallidos 2,008 470
just don't.

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no one warned the little boys
sometimes you will fall in love with
the hands or with the jawline, not with
the penis. watch out for boys whose laughter
is more beautiful than their face. little boys
love fast and deep, and it is a lie to say
that smiles will never hurt you.
kissing for the first time is not romantic. it's scary
and awkward, and your tongue will be like a fish
trying to swim around his mouth. he'll hold your
hand gently, and, if he is polite, he'll pretend
not to notice the thing (that's not your leg) poking his thigh.
later as he sleeps you will watch his chest,
unable to feel anything except his arm
lying softly across your chest.
when you were young, sex was harsh
and scary and confusion. when you grow
older, it gets better or much much worse. please,
do not just use lubricated condoms.
being in love is different,
than just fucking around, and remember
just because you're both little boys doesn't
mean that there are no feelings.
words hurt just as much as fists.
maybe you won't find someone for a
:iconslaylic:slaylic 5 1
no one warned the little girls one
no one warned the little girls
sometimes, they will not be
enough. sometimes, they will want to fall
into the spaces between words like knives, because words
like broken mirror glass
and the spaces in between are just white and blank,
numb like hospital beds and small round pills
and you can float in them for a while, a coma of nothing
because sometimes nothing will have to be
no one warned the little girls
sometimes, the lucky one
is not the one with diamonds and rubies
tumbling from her flower lips.
the sister who spits bugs and snakes
doesn't have to live with them inside herself
she can speak their name
and set them free.
no one warned the little girls
sometimes, they will love someone else
in swishing skirts
with braided hair
you never know how many monsters
lurk in the spaces underneath our skin
until you walk hand in hand
with another
little girl.
no one warned the little girls
sometimes, they will love someone else
with an easy s
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lilith's eden
my soul is an inside joke;
you would've had to have been there.

(i don't have a balcony on which i can lean and think deep thoughts, but;
the world will only ever be as it is.
time is not something
which moves inside of us, but it passes
through us uncaringly and does not exist in seconds or years.
space is not something
which is filled or displaced, it is simply
too strong to be pushed around by our bodies.)
you know, The Parting Lady's final words before she left us were that "It is not difficult to simply go."
(she was right. she would've been right. she had been right.)
don't ever skip stones—recognize this phenomenon for what it is;
if there are hundreds which leave by sea then
there are no doubt thousands which leave by sky.
:iconmindlessthinker:MindlessThinker 15 4
Up and Away :iconsnazzypuffy:SnazzyPuffy 3 0
have you ever looked in the mirror and found that, oddly enough, there is no one looking back at you?
i must admit, i haven't. though i would appreciate it, because right now she's staring back at me and it's a girl i don't know. i would scream and tell my mother there is a stranger in our house, but i just cannot find the words.
there is a stranger –
what is a stranger anyway?
i wish i wasn't afraid of heights because then i could just leap off the edge. but i can't. because depth is a scary thing. haven't you ever noticed how depth just sucks you in and plays with your reception of balance like it's an old ragged doll? just, toying around and confronting me with the thought that perhaps philosophers were right and we are just tiny human beings, left at the mercy of the turning of the earth. (careful, we might fall off.)
honestly, it's such a paradox. humans pretend to be bigger than the stars and when nature hits with such force that it leaves you out of breath we sit on a
:iconpassionsinsanity:PassionsInsanity 4 4
each day I raced to
meet you at dawn. but one day
the sun didn't rise.
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Take care.


estallidos's Profile Picture
kelsey rakes
Artist | Literature
United States
When I was little, I thought that looking at video clips and pictures of the sun could blind you.


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andrsrrp Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
did you erase everything you have posted?
PatchworkLynx Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2016   Writer
Happy birthday!!! <3
Angiebeagoodgirl Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
We're still here. Hoping you'll come pour a little more of your heart out so we can watch, curiously comforted that even geniuses are lonely.
deadxbirds Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2015
miss you <3
914four Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Bonne fête!
duermete Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2015   Writer
I found you here 5 years ago and since then I forgot all about deviantart. This morning, when I had the idea to come back here, the first thing I did was try to find you. I searched bits and pieces of your poems that still stuck with me after all this time. I was apparently a successful stalker because here I am and it feels like finding an old friend. One you're happy to see. I've missed you and I hope you are well. 
imostar Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015
Oh, I though I know u very long times ago, but when I see dates I just don't know, date said I know you from 2009. What is this feeling? Lost memory?
klabas Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
your poetry brings me to tears
simply beautiful 
I am blessed by your work. 
914four Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Birthday wishes from Newton by 914four
Happy Birthday! :cake:
brighteyedsiren Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday!  :D  May you be blessed with lots of inspiration to write more wonderful poetry.
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