Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

I am writing a poem about my birthday and candles and alcohol and dead people.
And how I have a really good imagination and every time I walk by that stop sign I see the car slamming into her and spreading her across the asphalt and every time the lights flicker I imagine his brain swelling against the confines of his skull and every time I walk in the front door I am reminded that my baby brother is dead.

And balloons.
I am writing a poem about balloons and dead people.


It is the fourth of September and I am full of longing. I want bare knees and raw elbows, untied shoes, green grass that bites into the tender palms of my hands. I want summer to roll into autumn without numbers. I want to pick wild strawberries. I want birdsong sunsets, lowercase letters.

I want Cooper's pond at night, where there are no atomic bombs or doctor's charts and you can slip beneath its cold surface and live forever.


Tonight I am supposed to celebrate growing old by getting drunk and pretending that I am a normal human being who cares about growing old and getting drunk and being a normal human being. I won't, though. I can't. I want to sit in my room and think about those I've loved who have died.

I don't know how to tell people that I can't stand my birthday. I watch the way candlelight buries itself in the hollows of a human's face and feel gloriously alive but also guilty and anxious.
Like there is always something brilliant just out of reach.


Sometimes all I can think about is when I was small and the shadows moved so convincingly in the dark and I would feel that fear and anxiety bubbling over and spilling out the vents of my ribcage.
My mother would hold me close and rock me and say "Nothing will ever happen to you. I promise I will keep you safe. It will be okay."

But even she couldn't fix this.


Today in 476 the Roman empire fell, changing a nation forever.
I wrote this poem with capitals and used even numbers and it didn't change a thing.


"Do you think some people are just born sad?" I ask.
"No," you say. You're fiddling with the pillowcase. You look like you have a secret. Then: "I cannot be with you if you're just going to commit suicide in ten years."
"Then go," I say, weary. You just pull me closer.

(It is too much now. I cannot do this. I haven't told you that yet. I don't suppose I ever will).


I only wish for impossible things because I stopped believing in the power of birthday candles long ago.
this was supposed to be posted on my birthday but i broke my computer cord because that is how i roll.

thanks for all of the birthday wishes, i appreciated them.

in other news, the boy in front of me is gurgling and panting and i am very, very uncomfortable.
Add a Comment:
imostar Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2015
Fourth of september thats my birthday, I revisit deviantart sometimes just to check ur poems, this time maybe bout five or six years since My last visit lol
EternalEmber Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student General Artist
3. The entirety of 3. is just perfect. I re-read it 4 times.
impossiblemeasures Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
I just keep coming back to read this again and I'm not sure why. Somehow I see so much of myself in this poem, even though this piece doesn't describe me at all because I love capitals and even numbers. Even though I really don't like numbers at all. My birthday isn't in the fall, but rather in the spring, April ninth to be exact. But I don't like my birthday either. Maybe that's what I identify with. We might never know.

"And balloons.
I am writing a poem about balloons and dead people."

I also love this line even though it might be a little sad, or something along those lines. And then I thought that people are like balloons. And then I corrected myself because people aren't plastic like balloons.

Thank you.
xX-KittyBiscuit-Xx Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Student
waaaaa!lol but really a great story
914four Featured By Owner May 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very powerful. I don't know if this is appropriate but I'd like to share one of my favorite quotes with you:
“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken, and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived.” – Margaret Mitchell
estallidos Featured By Owner May 6, 2012  Professional Writer
this is lovely. thank you for sharing it with me. really.
914four Featured By Owner May 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I collect quotes; I'm glad you liked it. :-)
FriendsWithSpiders Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I hope you have happier times ahead.
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Student Writer
"I want Cooper's pond at night, where there are no atomic bombs or doctor's charts and you can slip beneath its cold surface and live forever."

I really like this line.
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Emo-Skittle-Eater Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2012  Student General Artist
Wow gurgling and panting??? Sex addict much??? XD
Chaldemone Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2011
Not sure how this comment will seem to you, but it surprises me how much your writing reminds me of me. I wish we could be friends. (And yes, that does seem impossible to me.)
mare-wrath Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2011
most of this, i relate really really well to---have even said said it better, though.
tiraluv Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
"...every time I walk in the front door I am reminded that my baby brother is dead."
my brother is dead. for some reason i cant bring myself to verbally say it yet, but its almost been a year now. it doesn't technically hurt because i refuse to let myself hurt but i notice the numbness. i don't know why im writing all of this but anyway... this was very well written. i like how it made me want to cry but compelled me to continue reading. keep it up :)
PaperBoatDreams Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I find myself thinking that if i wrote something so personal and decided that I wanted to share it, with or without purpose behind said action; I wouldn't care about comments. I might even find myself looking for a way to punch via internet, the guy who made the comment that a particular comma should be a semi colon. I can't bring myself to write constructive criticism on your writing. It's intimidating. Perhaps because it's only partially about love, and mostly
about death, which is for most of us a tabu. I can't bring myself to comment on the subject matter because while it would feel great to parallel and connect with a talented and beautiful writer such as yourself. And such experiences would yield powerful, entertaining pieces, I must admit not I nor many of us are "gifted" with such a troubling/fueling/disconcerting/tantalizing/unfortunate life (if your writing is based on your life).

Though I feel like a sheep, all I can do is praise. And be a little envious.
Though I've known grief, I've never been in the shoes of your character. Your writing planted me there for a small glimpse, and as a writer I appreciated the ride.
And now I gotta end the comment because I'm curious to know where your next piece will send me.
RaynLovesBen Featured By Owner May 6, 2011  Student Writer
If I could quote something that I thought was brilliant, ever, it would be 6. in this poem.
lonewolfpuppy Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:'( really sad, but really good.
roxasonfire7 Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2011
you and ur stupid writing! stop makin meh crrrry! T^T :frail:
matchsticksandflames Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
2. Is my favorite.
Because summer is best.
Grey-Paradigma Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2011  Professional General Artist
*Ahem* I would just like to say, and establish once, and for all that: You are an absolutely FANTASTIC poet, in my eyes...
Inspiring, quite frankly.
laapdance Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I like that it has 7 parts.
MissUnderstand Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2010
I like the style. Honest. To the point. But heart-wrenching. And true.
Who needs birthdays anyways?

"I only wish for impossible things because I stopped believing in the power of birthday candles long ago."

Nice line.
I hope the rest of the days forward have been better.
emmadee110 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2010
Time is the enemy of love.
rj3987 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
You know what? This could be a six-word-story… well, it's more like a statement...but still...
estallidos Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2010  Professional Writer
too fucking right. i could not, nor would i try, to have said it better.
archelyxs Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2010
You have a terrific sense of being human
that is uniquely yours, and it scintillates. :heart:
estallidos Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2010  Professional Writer
thank you for that exquisite comment <3
SleepyHypotenuse Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2010
One of my favorite poems
estallidos Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2010  Professional Writer
SleepyHypotenuse Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2010
It makes me feel relief, relief that someone else sees the world so differently than everyone else
burntoutbeauty Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2010
if you have a possible dream, never wish on something else, because a candle can't make your wish come true, nor can a star and nor can a four leaf clover. wish on you, because you have the power to make a wish come true if you can believe it is possible.
i know your dreams might be impossible ones, but if i've learnt one thing in the past few years, it's that relying on yourself to make things happen is better than relying on other things and people.
i can never be poetic replying to your work, because the poetic words in my mind are too busy being in awe of your work to lend themselves to me.
Lula-Bell-X Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
ahhh, i think i nearly just cried a little :')

it's very pretty. pretty as in when petrol's on the floor and it goes nice colours but it's not meant to be there, y'know? that's the only way i can describe it.

really reminds me of this book called the perks of being a wallflower; if you haven't read it i think you should :)

thanks for making my day :)
indegesto Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2010  Professional General Artist
until i read 5 i was going to ask why the capital letters and even numbers.
beautiful, as usual.
brighteyedsiren Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010  Professional Writer
Happy birthday. :) This is a beautiful poem, and it's ever so sad. I wish I didn't relate to a lot of the things you've written here, but I do.

Mostly, I believe that everyone has chances to find happiness, and that even if some people are born sad, they can be happy someday. I have my doubts, sometimes often, but even then I keep trying to hope. I hope you do too, though I understand if you don't. It hurts to think of the times when I've felt like the only future I had was probably worse than death, and it pains me to think of others feeling that way too. So I'm sending you a smile and a virtual hug, if you want it, and an open invitation to talk, if you want to. I'm not always available, but feel free to send me a comment or a message, and I'll get back to you when I can.

Definitely keep writing and putting your amazing self and words out there. We love your writing, and, as for me, you've inspired my writing, and inspired me to be braver, which I'm really grateful for. So thanks. :)
saccharin-affliction Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010   Writer
I wish I could even contemplate words like you do. But you, you forge with them.
verticalness Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
your mixing of fantastic images and brutal honesty is what makes your work so strong. that, and your just plain skill with words. purely inspirational.
Johnray Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2010
niceeeeeeee poem there man
Forgottenangel777 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010
I cried.

This made me extremely sad; beautiful things tend to do that to me.
LieutenatSpork13 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
i can't delete this from my notifications
i revisit this every time i log in
and sometimes i read it the whole way through
and each time feels different

surely this is magic.
dustyreader Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2010
This is gorgeous, and it's so potent I felt it hit me like something more eloquent than a freight train or a truck but with the same amount of force. I'd wish you a happy birthday, but since it seems you're not too fond of those I'll only say congratulations.

There's just so many things I liked about this: how you can make such an impact with even numbers, the imagery, the grit of life in this, all of it. Thank you for this.
skeletonmate Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2010  Student General Artist
You want to believe in wishes.
But then you step outside and forget what wishes are.
lilykat14 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2010
I love the way you write.
nyogu Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You don't paint with words; you don't build cathedrals either, not for me, at least. You create tiny, complicated animals that worm themselves into my head and stay there.
typiicaltaylor Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010
people are born sad. its why we scream.
CircusFlea Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010
i understand. i understand.
alyksirrom Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010
Beautiful. :hug:
7outerelements Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
i wonder if how we write changes what we say. it's weird to feel the shift key so far away, but that's because i always use a formal typing style. if you didn't have such an established form, if i wasn't so rigid in my capitalization, then it would hardly mean anything to write differently, would it.

i suppose you must have strong convictions, or at least steady habits, for contrary behavior - or really any behavior - to mean anything. isn't it strange that, because you said something with odd numbers, you can make a statement with nothing more than the number 4?
elizatheriot Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010
Oh my god. This is so ridiculously beautiful, I hardly have words.
Tornment Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010   Writer
some are born to sweet delight
some are born to endless night.

i know you probably hear this a lot, but you are truly an inspirational person and an amazing painter of words. and i'd wish you a happy birthday, but you hate birthdays.
sAlright Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010   Traditional Artist
Add a Comment:

:iconestallidos: More from estallidos

Featured in Collections

Literature by trekseven

Writing by lolzotp

Words that break my heart by Gir-Gir

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
September 14, 2010
File Size
2.7 KB


689 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.