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In the beginning you never want to let her go,
and so you don't for a long, long time.
You commit to bobby pins underfoot, mismatched
plates stacked like landmines,
long hairs that circle and clog the drain, filling the tub
with stagnant water.

You tell her something that you love about her
each night before you fall asleep,
until one day you look at her and realize that you
don't know what to say anymore.

-

“I am not happy.”

You whisper this to yourself once and then try to say it louder,
but the words won't cooperate.

Maybe a whisper is as loud as this thought can exist,
or maybe some words weren't meant to be spoken aloud,
but you still think them, and yes,
you whisper them to yourself
when she isn't listening.

Perhaps this is what you should have been telling her
each night as her hands searched for you in the darkness.

-

This isn't happening, you think,
unless it is.

You wonder if you owe her something,
like your heart, maybe, your red hooded sweatshirt,
the dirt under your fingernails,
an apology.

You tell yourself that you've fulfilled your obligation to her with years –

Happy years, yes, but also years where you yelled,
years where you couldn't bring yourself to yell,
years where you sat next to her at the dinner table
and worried that you had fallen in love with a stranger.

Deep down you know that she did nothing wrong,
and that perhaps you are dealing with a debt
that can't ever be repaid.

-

You aren't worried about the goodbye.

The hardest part will be when you finally
admit to someone, “I do not love her anymore,”

and that someone is yourself.
(For the funeral of your relationship.)
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-07-13
Last Words by estallidos ( Suggested by betwixtthepages and Featured by inknalcohol )
:iconpaperbackrevelations:
PaperbackRevelations Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Painful to read, in the best way possible. You really nailed exactly how it feels to go through this, all the little details.
Reply
:iconwellwornwings:
wellwornwings Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
this makes my heart ache

beautiful.
Reply
:icontheastrologist:
TheAstrologist Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014
i love this. never stop writing
Reply
:iconfriendswithspiders:
FriendsWithSpiders Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This piece is amazing.
Reply
:iconscarlet-obsession:
Scarlet-Obsession Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2014  Professional Photographer
Hoping for more <3
Reply
:iconryukengi:
Ryukengi Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014
This is /very/ relevant to myself right now. You could not have wrote this any better. I know do not know what to do myself. Numb, is how I feel. Very good piece there.
Reply
:iconchlowo:
Chlowo Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014   Writer
This is my life right now. Thank you so much for this. I haven't really had a breakup like this before and I feel really validated knowing this is the process for other people too.
Reply
:iconaborro:
Aborro Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is really, very, amazing, it captures this feeling, the way it happens, how it sometimes can go... and no matter how good this is, it's still such a very sad piece, but that it makes me feel it too... really is what makes it.... outstanding. A well worth DD.
Reply
:iconmarieholly:
MarieHolly Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2014
This is truly remarkable :heart: (yet, renders the reader nearly speechless. Go figure.) 
Reply
:iconirishfury97:
Irishfury97 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014
Why do I feel my ex would love this piece? Either way, very well done, not often does a writer speak for the breaker than the breakee:)
Reply
:iconnonier:
NonieR Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014
Hmm. Good, insightful, but--just a little selfish?  More worried about being honest with ?him?self than with hurting her, however necessary it may be?

I left my husband of sixteen years--still loving him, but not in love--when I realized the balance of our relationship had shifted far enough, and unrepairably enough, that it was hurting us both in ways we couldn't fix. And *fuck* my admitting it to myself; I had to admit it to HIM and act on it, when he hadn't--in any meaningful sense--done anything to deserve being abandoned, which had always been his greatest fear. And doing so broke my heart, and it still does.

(Luckily, six months after I left him, he got to know an old friend of my sister's who needed exactly what he could give, and vice versa, and we're all pert' good friends--she and I think of each other as sisters--but I still broke something in him by leaving him, even if it's helped all three of us grow up in positive ways.)

So if the woman in this poem--whether she's real or just in your imagination--did "nothing wrong," and the speaker's more bothered by admitting it to himself than her, he's a selfish bastard and oughtta be whapped upside the head and pelted with rotten fish

Okay, okay; so I'm too close to the situation to be a good poetry critic, so keep that in mind. And you wrote this well enough that I react to it emotionally, which means you're damn good.

But--harrumph! <whap!>

--Nonie the Biased
Reply
:iconmazdi:
Mazdi Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014  Professional Interface Designer
I'm just experiencing love for the first time and I sincerely pray this doesn't happen to me, or him.
Reply
:iconwordeea:
wordeea Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
vibrant with truth
Reply
:icondaybreaksmiles:
daybreaksmiles Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You ran with this concept so well. The voice and stanza separation is perfect, your word choice is spot on, everything about this poem is real and raw and pure. Wonderful job, I cannot express with words how beautiful this truly is. 
Reply
:iconartbyfieldsofsage:
artbyfieldsofsage Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is painfully beautiful.  Congrats on the DD:)
Reply
:iconcampbe:
Campbe Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Student Writer
This blows me away.
Reply
:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Very good indeed! Congrats on a well-deserved DD. :clap: 

I think that the the real teeth of a piece like this is the fear of inevitability.

One's mind asks: what if? And if so, how could it be avoided? And even worse, what if you didn't want to avoid it...
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
Reply
:iconaeltari:
Aeltari Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Haven't we all been here before.  Nicely done.
Reply
:iconthekid0536:
thekid0536 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This piece of writing is so touching to my emotions so much,that I dont even know how Im feeling.Its that strong.La la la la No, I disagree! I think I've fainted.
Reply
:iconscarletstainedpaint:
ScarletStainedPaint Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That was beautiful. Amazing work.
Reply
:iconderpyhooves1020:
DerpyHooves1020 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014
the scariest thing.... Im literally in the exact same situation, right now. and this is beautiful. You have made something beautiful
Reply
:iconrandomaxes:
randomaxes Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014
i have no words.
Reply
:icontales-of-tao:
Tales-of-Tao Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Student General Artist
Wow. Dark and realistic. It'd almost sort of gritty, but your words are too elegant to allow for that. I love it.
Reply
:iconlissastar:
Lissastar Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
wow. That's pretty damn accurate. scary. good writing skills anyhow. It's well paced and the final line is a kicker. 
Reply
:iconwithlove-fromme:
WithLove-FromMe Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014
Was kind of wondering when this would get a DD :giggle:

Some people fall out of love some people jump out of it...some people just wake up
that way~
Reply
:iconhonourofgreyskull:
honourofgreyskull Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014
Very touching.
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :love: by CookiemagiK
Reply
:icontobacco-road:
Tobacco-Road Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my god, this is so true...
Reply
:icondisneynumber1fan:
disneynumber1fan Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is great... You can't help but feel the emotions for yourself! Congrats ~ Emoticon 
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:iconbridgenose:
bridgenose Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Student General Artist
Wow wow wow, this is stunning writing. It seems like such a simple subject at first glance, but the way you've written this really highlights all the intricacies of relationships and love. I feel that there are probably many, many people out there who could relate to this. Congrats on your DD!
Reply
:iconxaiirken:
XaiIrken Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I find this sadly relatable. Very well written. 
Reply
:iconscarlet-obsession:
Scarlet-Obsession Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014  Professional Photographer
Wonderful, I love it. It always makes my day to see something new you've posted. Beautiful 
Reply
:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Very good...it is super sad without being schmaltzy 
Reply
:icondanielleivanova:
DanielleIvanova Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That was a very surprising ending. The concept you've developed is something I've thought about a lot myself. Oftentimes when it comes to love it's not only the other person that you love but also who you become with them. The alternative is just destructive and can't possibly work. And this poem reflects this beautifully. I really enjoyed it :clap:
Reply
:iconarwynandcole:
ArwynandCole Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful...and how sad when one realizes something like this.
Reply
:iconbluebellwriter7:
Bluebellwriter7 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Student General Artist
Congrats on your well-deserved DLR.

I've always thought that this was the worst way to break up- the most bittersweet and the most sad and heart-wrenching.

An excellent piece, here.
Reply
:icondailylitrecognition:
DailyLitRecognition Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLR (Daily Literature Recognitions) and has been selected as our “Pick of the Day”. It is featured in a news article here and on our main page.


Keep writing and keep creating.

Reply
:iconttttahlie:
ttttahlie Featured By Owner May 28, 2014
There are no words for how amazing you are
Reply
:iconlinney69:
Linney69 Featured By Owner May 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this cut me so deep because i almost found myself in her position recently. but we pulled through.
Reply
:iconfrazzled-mage:
frazzled-mage Featured By Owner May 13, 2014
You have a talent for capturing the internal dialogue of the mind.  It is the stream of consciousness and mental struggle that brings such believability to your work.  Thank you again for each piece you share with us all.
Reply
:icontirasunil:
tirasunil Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Writer
This is too perfect. Thank you for sharing, please do so more. :)
Reply
:iconangiebeagoodgirl:
Angiebeagoodgirl Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
i love this.
Reply
:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner May 4, 2014
A little straightforward and different from you, but thoughtprovoking as always.
Reply
:icontornment:
Tornment Featured By Owner May 4, 2014   Writer
I have a feeling that when things go wrong and you realize you're not in love with someone anymore, suddenly every part of your relationship seems awful and you wonder what have you been doing for all that time. But it's not like that. Yes, there were fights, and there always will be, there were bad moments and bad decisions but that would've happened if you had been with someone else as well. 
I probably missed the point here, and I guess this rant of mine wasn't really in corelation to your work, it's just something I thought about some time ago and this piece brought it out again. :D

Wonderful, as always, very touching. :heart:
Reply
:iconserenecyrene:
SereneCyrene Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Student General Artist
This is very deep. Wonderfully written. :blackrose:
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 6, 2014  Professional Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconanna-le16:
Anna-Le16 Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
perfect eloquence :heart:
Reply
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