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February 27, 2012
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Going off medication is like riding a bike.

The doctor holds tight to my handlebars and lowers my dosage. The training wheels are off, and oh hey, look at me go! It's like flying but not, and I'm doing so well but then there's a horrible accident and I'm somehow upside down at the bottom of the sea with both wheels still spinning.

"Help," I say, and my doctor pats my head, puts a band-aid on my knee, and writes a note on my chart.

I've balanced by myself for months at a time, but I always end up hitting a fucking tree or falling off a cliff or something equally catastrophic because I am a catastrophic person. Except that is an exaggeration. I am an exaggeration.

I like to compare mental illnesses to mundane physical activities. Also you should know that I am sick but trying to get better.

Sometimes I relapse and then write poems about it.

It's not even the kind of sick where people bring you soup in bed and soothe your fevered brow. It's the kind of sick where I'm late to work because I have to unplug every appliance, double check that they are unplugged, and then push against the locked door twenty-one times while the cat next door gives me the side eye. It's the kind of sick that doesn't go away after some orange juice and ibuprofen.

Mostly it's the kind of sick where my brain is drunk and high and lost a fight at some bar and is maybe suicidal and likes to count things.

Okay, see, the other day I cut off my car and then restarted it for three minutes and thirteen seconds. Some man walked past and craned his neck to see what I was doing, and I waved my hand at him like hello, don't mind me, this is perfectly normal except for the part where it isn't normal at all, and I'm very sorry, also please don't crane your neck like that because it looks very uncomfortable.

So then I waited until he was out of sight and restarted my car again for good measure, because fuck everything.

It's not that I am forgetful. I know I locked the door. I know I put the car in park. I know my house won't catch fire and burn down if I leave my laptop on the bed. So why do I always feel like I am going to throw up if I don't check and count, count and check?

Secretly I wish I were a tree, because trees can't get obsessive compulsive disorder.

The other day I was babysitting (again) because I relate to children better than I do people my own age. I drew a picture of a tree for the little girl. Then she showed me her picture, which was a page full of neon scribbles.

"Can you tell me about your drawing?" I asked. She looked me in the eye and said that she was pretending that she had a mental disorder when she drew it, which is why it looked crazy.

"Having a mental disorder doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy," I said.

"Yes it does," she said. "Also could you please not use up my blue marker?"

After we finished drawing she asked if we could ride bikes, and I said no because I was writing these words in my head and couldn't tell if I was going crazy or not, like maybe my life had just become one giant joke. We baked muffins instead, and even after she fell asleep I kept going into the kitchen to make sure that I really had cut the oven off.

I had, I knew I had. It didn't matter, though.

I think it's time to go back on medication, because even though they say that once you learn to ride a bike you'll never forget, I've forgotten. Or maybe I never learned in the first place, because I was too busy locking and unlocking my door and drawing pictures of trees.

I just feel like I should be able to ride the bike by now.
a companion piece to "throwing rocks" which can be found here: [link]

-
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-03-21
Riding Bikes is a short, honest piece of nonfiction by ~estallidos. ( Suggested by starlight879 and Featured by wreckling )
:iconmysticalangel101:
MysticalAngel101 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Professional Writer
:heart:
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:icon109-0415:
109-0415 Featured By Owner May 30, 2012   Writer
I went off the medication and found out I was somewhat sane. Sometimes it's rather disappointing.

That's kind of the opposite of this piece though.
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:iconipunchbabies:
ipunchbabies Featured By Owner May 28, 2012
I keep your deviations in my box now, for easier access. After four years of being "well" I got sick again. I had to go to the hospital and I just got out a few days ago. Lets stay strong together. <3
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:iconzorlia:
Zorlia Featured By Owner May 4, 2012
when the pills are gone you think you're fine but everyone else doesn't and threatens to send you away
but they never send you away, they just like to threaten you. if they threaten you maybe it will make you stop. and the doctor says, you need to want to get better if you're gonna get better.
who gives a fuck about being better.

thank you for making me feel normal, i love your poems+stories and how you blend them into one beautiful mess! never stop writing, you have true talent and i wish i could make people feel such potent emotion like you do so effortlessly.
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Professional Writer
i'm just glad that there are other people out there who know what i feel.

<3
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:iconfriendswithspiders:
FriendsWithSpiders Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh wow this is powerful. I have OCD to a much lesser extent (in that I'm able to just ignore my compulsions now), but when I was younger I had to do these tiny, insignificant rituals or else the fact that I hadn't would tug and nag at the back of my mind until I did it. I really hope you finally learn how to ride that bike. :hug:
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Professional Writer
fingers crossed <3
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:iconreanimated4now:
Reanimated4now Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2012  Professional General Artist
but if you are a tree then everybody you know,

leaves.

and your legs

bark.


rough rough rough, rouf.
Reply
:iconxpinktuxtotheprom:
xPinkTuxToTheProm Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
unbelievable.
as a person coming from a struggle with mental illness, (not obsessive compulsive disorder, but a tangled web of suicidal depression and anxiety) I know the road is definitely not an easy one.
I'm on medication now myself, and it seems to be working very well (knock on wood). I know these things aren't usually permanent first or second or thirtieth try, but all we have is tries, I guess.
this existence can be a lot more difficult with these sorts of strategies in life's playing field coming into fruition, but we definitely find our ways to get by.
I'm incredibly inspired by your piece here, and the way you tell a story and still write stunning poetry all at once and meld it together seamlessly.
all in all, thank you so much for writing this. I'm sorry for your experiences, but you are very brave and if it helps, this is actually very much a comfort to at least one person out there. it was like my eyes widened in shock as some words came out that I could never say.
thank you. :)
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Professional Writer
hey, i just wanted to thank you for leaving such a meaningful and helpful message on my piece. it was really nice to come back to. everything you said was true. all we have are tries.

<3
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:iconxshiningxstarrx:
XShiningxStarrX Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Beautiful! So glad I found this, it's an amazing piece! Great job on your writing, can't wait to see more in the future! ^^
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Professional Writer
i just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to go through so many of my pieces and favoriting and leaving comments in your wake! i really,truly appreciate it <3
Reply
:iconxshiningxstarrx:
XShiningxStarrX Featured By Owner May 28, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Oh, anytime!! :') :huggle::tighthug:
Your work is such an inspiration, I absolutely love your writing style and everything! :iconblushplz:
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:iconreygarfaust:
ReygarFaust Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012  Professional Photographer
Beautiful work! I love you!
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much!
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:iconconventionallyi:
conventionallyI Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012
When I go off my medicine it's less like learning to ride a bike and more like I think I'm just fine and also I'm bored of popping that stupid little pill every morning. So the doctor only finds out a month after it happened usually when I'm back towards getting sick and in dangerous waters and then they up the dose after I'm hospitalized.

Fuck your OCD. If I could take it from you, I would. I've always envied people with OCD. I /understand/ OCD because why /wouldn't/ you count things and check things and /have to know/? That makes sense to me. I'd rather have OCD. But I'm so so sorry you do.

I like this.
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you, for both the comment and the sentiments.

:heart:
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:iconxxpyromaniacxx:
xXPyromaniacXx Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012  Student General Artist
I love the way your brain ticks.♥
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you!
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:iconjennedy:
jennedy Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012   Writer
i love this. it's scary and hopeful and fed up all in one. great job. :)
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you!
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Student General Artist
Wow. Very true! I can compare...

Cuz I have Tourette's, and I've been on meds for 3 fucking years. I feel like they should be reduced by now. But every time I don't take them, I tic all over the place, and I can't get myself to stop.

But this piece is great! I really like it.
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
it feels pretty shitty to not be in complete control of one's body. i wish you the best with your struggles <3
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Student General Artist
Thanks estallidos!
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:iconchaotic-oasis:
Chaotic-Oasis Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! It was well deserved!!

--
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

:bulletblue::bulletyellow::bulletpink::bulletpurple::bulletred::bulletblack: You Could Win 50 Points Just For Joining Us!! :bulletblack::bulletred::bulletpurple::bulletpink::bulletyellow::bulletblue:

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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much!
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:iconchaotic-oasis:
Chaotic-Oasis Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You are very welcome. :XD:

--
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

:bulletblue::bulletyellow::bulletpink::bulletpurple::bulletred::bulletblack: You Could Win 50 Points Just For Joining Us!! :bulletblack::bulletred::bulletpurple::bulletpink::bulletyellow::bulletblue:

:bulletblue:The Marvel Universe (It's MARVELous) :bulletyellow:"Art By Aussies" (Art Community) :bulletred:Dark Horizons (Marvel RPG) :bulletpink:My Goodies :bulletpurple:My Freebies :bulletblack:My Facebook
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:iconwagn18:
wagn18 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
This was amazing.
I don't have any other words to describe it..well maybe fantastic would work as well.

Thank you for sharing this.
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
thank YOU for taking the time to read it :)
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:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Student Writer
This was absolutely incredible! If I could write with half the skill of this, I'd die happy.
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
you are far too kind. thank you for the nice words <3
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:icontheparanoidinsomniac:
TheParanoidInsomniac Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is really amazing... it's also very easy to relate to... what with the depression and anxiety and the possible borderline personality disorder, and my doctor decided to lower my meds too... this really speaks to me.
Beautiful job!!
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
sounds like you have a full plate. good luck with your struggles <3
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:icontheparanoidinsomniac:
TheParanoidInsomniac Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. I hope you get everything sorted out too!
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:iconstardancer713:
StarDancer713 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
I feel your pain. I have ADHD, OCD, and general anxiety disorder (although I'm not sure if I truly have OCD or if it's OCPD or just being an extreme perfectionist). Right now I'm losing my mind (my reaction: I HAD A MIND?!? Who knew?), and what truly little sanity I never had is gone. My strives for perfection is completely hijacking my life and I feel like I have no control over it. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm trapped inside a bottle of soda and I'm being shaken or like I'm stuck inside a box. There's a 2-year old in my brain (which is also missing) who runs around on a constant chocolate high and her stupid babysitter is either out to lunch or just MIA, so she's no help at all whatsoever. I'm sick of relying on my medicine to function (it's not even working so well atthe moment anyway).

I have a feeling your probably asking the same question as me: when does it get better? Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better, but I'm still waiting and trying not to bang my head against the wall in frustration.

Someday I'll figure out a way to ditch the bike I can't ride and just fly through the sky; until then, I'll be walking along here, going at my usual slow pace... oh, look! A butterfly!
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
the truth is that some of us just plain need medicine to function, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. our brains are wired differently, and the pills are just a chemical way of filling in the gaps.

though of course they sometimes don't work or have shitty side effects.

it sounds like you're struggling with a lot. i wish you the best <3
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:iconstardancer713:
StarDancer713 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012
Thanks

(yeah, I wrote that last night inb/w meltdowns, so it was a bunch of built up frustration)
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:iconneko2631:
neko2631 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
Another well-deserved DD. Congrats! :D
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
thanks, buttercup!
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:icongreendude2341:
greendude2341 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
even though people say "learn to ride a bike and you'll never forget" its not true its hard, its one of many challenges in life like so is staying off medication. (screw bikes go one a scouter)
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
unicycle!
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:icongreendude2341:
greendude2341 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012
fine screw the "unicycle" try scooter maybe try riding something with four wheels i feel srry for u. u get a hug
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:icondavidpoet30:
Davidpoet30 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
i liek this i too do things like this now i dont really knwo if i have full blown ocd but i do have some tendencies and also i have unipolar depression and i think have had ti my whole life, but it took going to a mental health clinic to realize it. It was good that i did and i feel you about how its not sick like the flu or the cold its something that never really goes away. i will be praying for you.
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much for your kindness, and good luck with your struggles <3
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:icondavidpoet30:
Davidpoet30 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012
thanks
Reply
:iconinsearchofhedonism:
InSearchofHedonism Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
Very nice writing. A well deserved Daily Deviation. Congrats!

: D
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:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much!
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:iconinsearchofhedonism:
InSearchofHedonism Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012
Your welcome : D
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