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:iconestallidos: More from estallidos


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Writing by gurukiki

literature by BetweenThereAndHere

writing by tinayan


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Submitted on
November 2, 2011
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I used to go to the nearby campus coffee shop in the early evenings, armed with a pen, a blank notebook, and writer's block. The sense of loneliness was unspoken but well accounted for.

I always shared coffee-counterspace with the same boy, who never smiled or talked and who had a penchant for bedhead and argyle sweaters. He liked to lean back on his stool, balancing precariously as he read novels, and I liked to pretend I wasn't watching him watch me. We coexisted in quiet companionship, thrived quietly under fluorescent lighting which sometimes caught his thick-framed glasses.

His novels changed while my notebook remained the same; his dogeared copies of The Sound and the Fury and Animal Farm distracted me as I doodled stars on blank pages, waiting for something that could not be explained.

-

It was raining. I remember that. His glasses fogged up when he walked in, his tousled black hair dripped water on my elbow.

"Why don't you ever write in your notebook?" he asked, turning to me with a flourish. Caught unawares, I just gazed at him, slack-jawed. His voice was deeper than I had imagined.

"I don't have anything to write about, I guess."

He sighed and shook his head, spraying me with rainwater. "Sorry," he said with a soft, hiccupy laugh that left his serious demeanour unchanged. Then--"Did you use to write a lot?" He motioned to my notebook.

"Oh, you know. Tragedies, comedies," I told him. "Everything that passed became a story. Then life stopped happening to me." It sounded melodramatic, even to my ears, and I winced inwardly. Then--"Why don't you ever smile?"

His mouth quirked awkwardly into a half grimace and he closed his eyes briefly. "I guess I don't have anything to smile about." We paused, contemplating each other, embarrassed by the brief intimacy of the moment. He reached over slowly and took my pen, opened my notebook with a sort of reverence, and with great concentration printed "Slater" at the top of the first page.

"I think," he said quietly, "that I just happened to you."

-

I went back there every evening for as long as we needed each other, and stopped when we didn't anymore.

-

I saw him the other day. We were both sitting on sun-warmed stone benches, unaware of the other. I looked up and noticed a boy with sleep-ruffled hair, a copy of Ulysses in one hand, and a cup of coffee in the other. He patted the seat next to him, and I sat down.

"Is it okay?" I asked. I didn't specify whether I was asking about the book, the coffee, or something else entirely. He cocked his head pensively, considering, and then nodded.

I opened my notebook and ripped this page out, folded it in two, and gave it to him. He took it and put it in his pocket without saying anything, the smallest of grins on his face.

-

Slater has a beautiful smile, like crawling into bed after cold January. Like a secret. Like the beginning of a story.
if you see him, tell him thanks.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconshademunsuta:
ShadeMunsuta Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014
I've been going through and reading some of your writings recently. They're beautiful. You have a very unique writing style, it just seems to connect with me even if I've never quite felt it before. Well done!
Reply
:iconmare-wrath:
mare-wrath Featured By Owner May 29, 2013
i have been having that block. i do the same thing, with the blank notebook, and have at points theroized similar reasons to explain why i can't write.i even met a boy in quite a similar way, and was one of many such incidents I couldnt stop thinking were poetry already, that id barely hav to do anything, and yet, i still cna't seem to write a piece.
Reply
:iconselenalena:
SelenaLena Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013
Absolutely wonderful.
Reply
:iconkillcityradio:
killcityradio Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012
I loved this. Although I haven't read your book yet, i read everything you upload.
I think you've got an incredible voice. It deserves to be heard because it is strong
in what it speaks.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Professional Writer
why thank you!
Reply
:iconxshiningxstarrx:
XShiningxStarrX Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Aww! Very sweet, very beautiful! I loved it! :'DDD
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Professional Writer
thanks, dahlin'!
Reply
:iconxshiningxstarrx:
XShiningxStarrX Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Anytime! ^^
Reply
:iconavolatilecalm:
AVolatileCalm Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012
a beautiful recreation of wonderful moments. i love the feeling of finding something interesting, and different :):)
Reply
:iconcodabear48:
CodaBear48 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Student Artist
I'm not quite sure why, but this made me feel kinda tingly inside afterwards ^-^ It's very well written
Reply
:iconeverydaywolf:
EverydayWolf Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
The time I took to read your work might have been the only time I have taken to stop and think, just think In the last few months. no doubt I will be pondering your words for a long time to come. thank you
Reply
:iconnightgoblinella:
NightGoblinella Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
I can't tell if it was the writing alone or the writing combines with the artist comment, but I'm crying and I can't stop. It was positively wonderful and it broke my heart in ways that feel strangely right.
You're a beautiful writer and I thank you so much for wrenching my heart like that; I may be crying, but I'm smiling so wide it hurts.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Professional Writer
i'm honestly incredibly happy that my work had such a powerful impact on you. thank you so much for taking the time to read it, and for the favorite/watch. it's really appreciated.

<3
Reply
:iconnightgoblinella:
NightGoblinella Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
No problem at all! You're such an amazing writer and I love reading your stuff :heart:
Reply
:iconomigosh1235:
omigosh1235 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Your writing is honestly beautiful. I can only wish that someday i could write as well as you. Sounds cheesy but haha <3 Every single thing i read that you've written is gorgeous <3
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Professional Writer
that's not cheesy, it's incredibly flattering! thank you so much :)
Reply
:iconomigosh1235:
omigosh1235 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Lol do you go to school for writing? and YW~~ <3
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Professional Writer
i did not, but i'm flattered you thought i might have!
Reply
:iconomigosh1235:
omigosh1235 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
haha so it's all natural? Damn that's amazing xD I'm really jealous now lol
Reply
:iconsar-the-scare:
sar-the-scare Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012  Student Photographer
Glad to see your prose is every bit as good as your poetry -- and that's saying something. :heart:
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2012  Professional Writer
eee, thank you so much!
<3
Reply
:iconpetite-soleil:
Petite-Soleil Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012
goodness i absolutely love this ha! im going to have to read everything youve posted now! im hooked!
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Professional Writer
i'm glad you liked it!
Reply
:iconannie2006:
annie2006 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012
this was filled with vivid imagery, as well as stunning emotions. absolutely beautiful.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012  Professional Writer
i'm glad you liked it. thank you for the favorite.
Reply
:iconannie2006:
annie2006 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012
"Everything that passed became a story. Then life stopped happening to me."
that line especially touched me-- very relatable.
Reply
:iconxpinktuxtotheprom:
xPinkTuxToTheProm Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I haven't been on deviantart in a long time and just decided to go back through all my comments and watches and the like, and found you again. And I'm so very thankful for it.
This is spellbinding. I think that's the word I'm looking for. Amazing is too plain. Mind-blowing is almost too harsh for it's quiet beauty. And stunning would lead one to believe the breathtaking story wasn't understood and adored for what it is. Your writing seems to travel places the mind wouldn't think of and it doesn't even realize it before its caught up in this tale as though its life happening around it.

I'm sorry, I'm probably starting to sound confusing. haha I just wanted to say, thank you. :)
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012  Professional Writer
well thank YOU for going back through and reading/commenting! i know how easy it is to let things build up in the dA inbox and just kinda be like "eh, fuck it." so i really am appreciative!
Reply
:iconblodfald:
Blodfald Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I always envy your ability to write so much wonderfulness into so little space.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2012  Professional Writer
this comment is especially excellent because normally i feel like it takes me forever to spit out what i want to say. thank you.
Reply
:iconneko2631:
neko2631 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2012
Wow. Just "wow."
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2012  Professional Writer
hahah, this is the kind of comment i love!
Reply
:icon92monkeys:
92monkeys Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011
Omg that last line. Beautiful slice of life piece (:
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much! i'm rather fond of it myself.
Reply
:iconleuthy29:
Leuthy29 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011
This was absolutely stunning. It gave me goosebumps, and ... okay, goosebumps again for thinking about it. Thank you
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2012  Professional Writer
thank YOU for reading and commenting. it's intense motivation to keep creating :)
Reply
:icontwilightjunkie94:
Twilightjunkie94 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011
ahhh you brought it back! i love this, soo much.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2012  Professional Writer
<333
Reply
:iconscarlet-obsession:
Scarlet-Obsession Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2011  Professional Photographer
Great job as always!
Reply
:iconlinney69:
Linney69 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I had a Slater once. I lost him too. But the memory becomes a chapter in my life, just like you clearly illustrated. What a beautiful piece.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2012  Professional Writer
i hope your slater was a good chapter.
Reply
:iconmissdudette:
MissDudette Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2011
:)
Reply
:icondrenchedinashes:
drenchedinashes Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2011
writing something you find meaningful after struggling with writer's block is the best feeling in the whole world.
good for you. this is beautiful. :)
Reply
:iconfwin:
Fwin Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2011
I really don't think I can explain how much I love this piece
Reply
:iconretrospecs95:
Retrospecs95 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2011  Student Writer
this is the kind of thing that makes you feel all warm and tingly =D amazing.
Reply
:iconmirellabailey:
MirellaBailey Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This is so gorgeous. I hardly know what to say... I just wanted to point out though that I love it
Reply
:iconwriterscreed:
WritersCreed Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2011  Student Writer
.... *completely speechless* ....
Reply
:iconwivetwhisk:
wivetwhisk Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I knew there was a reason I was excited that you're doing NaNo this year ^^
Reply
:iconcatharicdissonance:
catharicdissonance Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2011  Student Digital Artist
Your writing is always heartbreakingly beautiful.

How you can balance the mundane and extraordinary so wonderfully I will never comprehend.
Reply
:icondrunken-splice:
Drunken-Splice Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2011  Professional Writer
Interesting. I've gotten used to your poetry and I don't remember how many prose passages I've read of yours. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but knowing the power of your smaller poems, I feel like I'm missing out in this piece. There is so much potential and I get so little about the characters...something that works fine in poetry, but just begs more in fiction. I'll return to this later, as I want to point out some micro

"We coexisted in quiet companionship, thrived quietly under." - The repetition of quiet is redundant, in my opinion.

"Then--'Did you" and "Then--'Why don't" - this is nit-picky and could be based on personal biases but there really is no need for the "then." The characters says it, either way, the then doesn't serve any purporse but to say this follow that, and the time-frame isn't getting played with enough here to warrant the change. I think it also just throws me off because of the dash after it into dialogue. Looks funky to my eyes (which isn't so much critique, but thought I'd mention it :P)

"I saw him the other day. We were both sitting on sun-warmed stone benches, unaware of the other. I looked up and noticed a boy with sleep-ruffled hair, a copy of Ulysses in one hand, and a cup of coffee in the other. He patted the seat next to him, and I sat down." When did he see you? We get the moment of the I noticing the boy, but the way it moves right into the patting the seat, I'd almost got the feeling he'd been staring at the I first and waiting. There's a sentence missing there.

"I didn't specify whether I was asking about the book, the coffee, or something else entirely" - is not needed. In fact, it makes it even more ambiguous and mysterious if you just have the I speak "is it ok?" That's something I'd love to see happen in real life. That gap of time and then all that is said is this vague phrase. Something about that feels right, but the telling of the fact that it is ambiguous kills the ambiguity for me.

"I opened my notebook and ripped this page out" - Here the ambiguity confuses me. I think you mean to say "ripped out a page," and leave that for the reader to figure out (although, I believe, implying it to be the page where he wrote Slater, yes?) or it could be "This," as in the page where you were writing this story? I think either way, just "ripping a page out" would give the possibility of both of those, the "this" only makes me question what the "this" is.

"Slater has a beautiful smile, like crawling into bed after cold January. Like a secret. Like the beginning of a story." - This is such a wonderful character detail. I think it would be perfect as the first line. Starting off the piece with "the beginning of a story" and then the slight jump back. At the end, it serves to undercut the finality of never seeing him again (which I think is what happened, based on your replies to comments).

On a more macro scale, watch the adverbs in this one. There are a lot, and a lot of them are similar. The two that I like are "precariously" and "pensively." Honestly, I think you should cut all of the other adverbs out. They are bland and don't add anything to the verbs. Especially the quietly, I already feel his quiet in that you guys don't talk for a long time, and when you do it's short. The shy/quiet is achieved through his actions, better than the author telling us.

And lastly, "I went back there every evening for as long as we needed each other, and stopped when we didn't anymore." Oh how much potential this has I cannot say. This is a wonderful sentiment, but it passes so fast that I am literally begging for more. Even one more decent interaction that would give both of these characters a little more depth. Especially on the I character. All I get is that she likes being looked at, to doodle, and is a touch melodramatic.

Besides that line, I think the pacing of this is good. It moves easily and this is an interesting idea, I just need more meat to it to really care about this one-time intimate moment between two souls.
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