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writing by quantumponies

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Submitted on
April 30, 2011
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she asks, "is it weird to have one day where you really intensely, for no good reason, think of a dead person?"


the intercom was the one to announce that his body had finally given up. i don't remember what i was wearing that day, or how my hair looked, or what noises fell out of my mouth. death has dulled the sharp edges within me. this is what i do know: some people burst into tears and some people sat frozen and pale and some people simply got up and left the room.

"are you okay?" someone asked me, and i found that i was lying on the floor, though i couldn't understand how i'd gotten there. the overhead lights were buzzing and humming, or maybe it was just my heart. confused, i sat up quickly and let the blood rush to my head in one glorious fell swoop.

"are you okay?" they asked again, and i said yes, yes, i am okay. i am alive. i have to be okay. the linoleum is still cold against my cheek and i can still see i am alive i am okay i am okay i am okay.

but sometimes i wish i had told them no.


i keep tally of the dead and i never know whether or not those who are dead to me ought be included. or those who just are done with living.




"i am sad," she says, and i think this is the most apt way to describe it, the most poignant and true and believable words that exist for this.

"it's hard to know what's right anymore," she says, "perhaps you understand."

i do and i don't and i can't and my words catch in my throat and she speaks again. "i just wanna know that at some point in the future it's gonna be okay."

i am reminded forcibly of the announcement, of only being fourteen when he died, of the cool linoleum against my cheek, of all of the possible responses to, "are you okay?"

"it won't be okay," i tell her. "some people weren't meant to be okay."

she pauses and i wonder if she, too, is struck with this enormous truth. "we weren't meant to be okay," i think of telling her, but i don't.

i wasn't meant to be okay, but these days i mostly tally the living.

and i'm okay with that.
for justin, who never came back from the hospital. i'm sorry that my get well card didn't work.
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Bros-Key Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I enjoy pretending to be okay, but that is only because I don't think I could go a day without making someone smile. But too often those same people I make smile are ones that would give everything to see me cry. And that's okay with me, because if it weren't for my tears, no one would smile.
Leuthy29 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011
I'm sorry.

I'm glad you tally the living. It gives me hope. :)
tiraluv Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
i think it helps a bit. to finally be honest, break down and say "im not okay". your writing hurts and soothes me at the same time. thanks.
KearaClearwater Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
God, I'm crying.

EsotericHeart Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011
oh you are gorgeous.
DanceWithoutYou Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Just grips my feeling although I haven't lost anyone... I've lost them in soul, so thank you for the blatant honesty.
enamel-hearts Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2011
I love this to peices... it really brings out a lot of emotions we usually keep hidden. And I agree with you; it's awful when someone tells you it's going to be okay. I'm sorry for your loss; it's terrible to lose someone close to you , isn't it~
XxOver-The-EdgeXx Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
my brother's name is justin....
guagna Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011  Student Writer
you have a heartbreakingly gorgeous way with words
ATPenergyforthesoul Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2011   Photographer
the last line sums it up perfectly.
I have a drug problem and a fucking problem and everybody has problems every day, pain and suffering and one day we're all going to die.

and i'm okay with that.

thank you
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