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she asks, "is it weird to have one day where you really intensely, for no good reason, think of a dead person?"


the intercom was the one to announce that his body had finally given up. i don't remember what i was wearing that day, or how my hair looked, or what noises fell out of my mouth. death has dulled the sharp edges within me. this is what i do know: some people burst into tears and some people sat frozen and pale and some people simply got up and left the room.

"are you okay?" someone asked me, and i found that i was lying on the floor, though i couldn't understand how i'd gotten there. the overhead lights were buzzing and humming, or maybe it was just my heart. confused, i sat up quickly and let the blood rush to my head in one glorious fell swoop.

"are you okay?" they asked again, and i said yes, yes, i am okay. i am alive. i have to be okay. the linoleum is still cold against my cheek and i can still see i am alive i am okay i am okay i am okay.

but sometimes i wish i had told them no.


i keep tally of the dead and i never know whether or not those who are dead to me ought be included. or those who just are done with living.




"i am sad," she says, and i think this is the most apt way to describe it, the most poignant and true and believable words that exist for this.

"it's hard to know what's right anymore," she says, "perhaps you understand."

i do and i don't and i can't and my words catch in my throat and she speaks again. "i just wanna know that at some point in the future it's gonna be okay."

i am reminded forcibly of the announcement, of only being fourteen when he died, of the cool linoleum against my cheek, of all of the possible responses to, "are you okay?"

"it won't be okay," i tell her. "some people weren't meant to be okay."

she pauses and i wonder if she, too, is struck with this enormous truth. "we weren't meant to be okay," i think of telling her, but i don't.

i wasn't meant to be okay, but these days i mostly tally the living.

and i'm okay with that.
for justin, who never came back from the hospital. i'm sorry that my get well card didn't work.
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Bros-Key Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I enjoy pretending to be okay, but that is only because I don't think I could go a day without making someone smile. But too often those same people I make smile are ones that would give everything to see me cry. And that's okay with me, because if it weren't for my tears, no one would smile.
Leuthy29 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011
I'm sorry.

I'm glad you tally the living. It gives me hope. :)
tiraluv Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
i think it helps a bit. to finally be honest, break down and say "im not okay". your writing hurts and soothes me at the same time. thanks.
KearaClearwater Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
God, I'm crying.

EsotericHeart Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011
oh you are gorgeous.
DanceWithoutYou Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Just grips my feeling although I haven't lost anyone... I've lost them in soul, so thank you for the blatant honesty.
enamel-hearts Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2011
I love this to peices... it really brings out a lot of emotions we usually keep hidden. And I agree with you; it's awful when someone tells you it's going to be okay. I'm sorry for your loss; it's terrible to lose someone close to you , isn't it~
XxOver-The-EdgeXx Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
my brother's name is justin....
guagna Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011  Student Writer
you have a heartbreakingly gorgeous way with words
ATPenergyforthesoul Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2011   Photographer
the last line sums it up perfectly.
I have a drug problem and a fucking problem and everybody has problems every day, pain and suffering and one day we're all going to die.

and i'm okay with that.

thank you
MirellaBailey Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It's an interesting read - I was struck by the last part, the bit about "we weren't meant to be okay". I think when something awful happens to us, the natural inclination is to just want to be okay... but often it's better to just say "it is what it is" and make some sort of peace with whatever must be.

Of course, I might just totally be misinterpreting the whole point of the piece...

I'm sorry, by the way, even though I know my apologies can hardly help. But I get how crappy it is to feel the way you did/do
onehourinacafe Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2011   Writer
And now I feel like I'm going to cry. This breaks my heart.
mjtfreeze Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2011
:( it's a shame when others don't value the living.
Ebahr Featured By Owner May 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Excellent. Most people that have survived a lose will be able to relate with this extremely quickly. The honest feelings involved and subject matter make this a very powerful piece.
WendyxJones Featured By Owner May 24, 2011
I love the honesty and rawness within this. It is a very captivating read.
Rieal-Dragonsbane Featured By Owner May 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sure many people have already said this: This is so sad and so beautiful.
colleenxcatalina Featured By Owner May 24, 2011  Student Writer
Damn, this is gorgeous. And I'm all sad now :(
selhiamafuchi Featured By Owner May 23, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
This piece is so tragic and beautiful. :[

You're right; some things aren't meant to be okay.
xlntwtch Featured By Owner May 23, 2011   Writer
Congratulations on a DLD very well deserved. It's a truly beautiful piece that ends on a perfect note.
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner May 23, 2011
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) and has been selected as our Pick of the Day. It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.

Keep writing and keep creating.
from-ashes-to-asher Featured By Owner May 19, 2011  Student Interface Designer
is anyone meant to be okay?
little-supernova Featured By Owner May 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow. This is a spectacular tribute to his memory. Unbelievably perfect.
CircusFlea Featured By Owner May 12, 2011
i never regret faving your work before reading them
thedarkestlight36 Featured By Owner May 11, 2011
The end was really heartbreaking. Amazing.
Yshura Featured By Owner May 8, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh. :(
This is true to my heart.
9631-meaningless Featured By Owner May 8, 2011
This sank into my heart and now refuses to leave. :heart:

Firalcar Featured By Owner May 5, 2011
Sometimes I'm amazed at the depth of feeling people display. I usually don't get it. If someone is dead to me, or done living, I move on to the people who are still in my life. There are so many new people...I guess I don't have room for those in the past.

I'm more sad that this makes me different from you than sad at anything else.
Ellyevans679 Featured By Owner May 5, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
You have a way of taking us directly into the pain of the moment. I nearly always cry when I read your words. You have a true gift and I wish I could give you a hug of both thanks and comfort. :tighthug:
:heart: Elle
fallingfaster-angel Featured By Owner May 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Even though I've been kind of down lately, this was strangely calming... Always good hearing from you.
rachel-rhapsody Featured By Owner May 4, 2011
Your writing stuns me beyond words.
You have such a simple and understated way of expressing such powerful and incredible emotion. It stuns me beyond words, every time.
This is a piece that is beyond beautiful, and I wish you all the best, because you sure as all hell deserve it :heart:
the-final-I Featured By Owner May 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Nice piece of writing, this.
But just one thing: "sat up quickly and let the blood rush to my head" throws me off.
Shouldn't it not be rushing to the head? Or even if it does rush, it's usually does so without announcement. In which case with word 'let' doesn't fit in too well.

Great job, though! :D
onehourinacafe Featured By Owner May 3, 2011   Writer
this is like you know when you want to cry, but you cant, how the bridge of your nose prickles and then there's a quick throb across your eyebrows? I read the line "Done with living" and felt the little prickle.
WeTheInvisible Featured By Owner May 3, 2011
Everything will be okay in the end - if its not okay, its not the end.

At least, thats what they'll tell you. <.
Glad to see work from again, estallidos. =]
Ralenore Featured By Owner May 3, 2011  Student General Artist
Terrible and beautiful.
WritingObsessed Featured By Owner May 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
wow. i can feel your emotions coming through the text. amazing work as always. it seems to me like you've overcome a lot of hardships in your life. as tough as that may be though, it seems to me like it's made you a better writer. i kno that writing helps me get through the tough times. just talking never seems to be enough.
ive sorta lost someone. physically they're still alive, but i just dont know if they'll ever be the same to me.
BookThiefx Featured By Owner May 2, 2011   Writer
your work always stuns me
Jessie-Bear Featured By Owner May 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
your work... this, is simply beautiful. we just lost a boy from my - very close-knit - grade, in a car crash. he was just eighteen.

but more than anything, it is your author's notes that gets me. i am sorry for justin. your words are heartbreaking.
LupeSjiler Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
Just ... wow ... really. Every time I read one of you works I'm moved and touched and fall still. Just go completely quiet. And then I proceed with whatever I was doing and keep on repeating the piece in my head over and over ... I think it to be beautiful :)
SylviaVeir Featured By Owner May 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
A new post from you is often a bittersweet experience. I love your writing and I love your style of writing, and I love the way you turn something heartbreaking into something beautiful. But in the end it does not change the fact that it's still sad.

I am sorry for your loss.
Haganechibi Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
whenever people ask me if i am all right, i almost tell them no.

your work seems to have a tendency to break my heart over and over again. maybe we aren't meant to be okay, but sometimes it's a little better to know someone else feels the same. especially when get well cards don't work.
Sully-Bean Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
i don't know what to say.
<3 <3
C-CW Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
I've felt this...I think I coined it "I'm just not cut out for life" once, and I hate being told to smile because it will all be okay, because it won't...however I always try to remember that although times seem to be constantly bad, the little spark (or longer) of good times is all the more valuable for it.

ilyilaice Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
This is a serious topic but I think it's kind of nice it ends in a sort of hopeful spin.

And I hope you are still okay with not being okay. I wonder if that's a weird thing to hope. But anyway, I just hope the best for you. :heart:
gaarakamaru Featured By Owner May 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm so sorry.
I was also fourteen when someone who meant the world died. I was very stupid when I was fourteen, and I didn't know who I was, and how I felt about that event is the only thing I'm still sure about from that year.
littlerex Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
I feel how you feel, one of my friends recently took his own life.

I believe i'm never meant to be okay.
KearaClearwater Featured By Owner May 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
More tears to add to my night. I love it, though, as I love all your writing. :heart:
veggierattus Featured By Owner May 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You always break my heart. I want to scream at you and tell you that you're wrong, that everything will be okay...but maybe you're right. Maybe some people weren't meant to be okay.
AmandaRulesYourMind Featured By Owner May 1, 2011
Your writing is beautiful.
RosieNovember Featured By Owner May 1, 2011
i welled up reading this.
TheUsed-Genuine-Fake Featured By Owner May 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Your artist comment seems just as poetic as the string of words written above it. With just enough impact bringing it all together.
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