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it is two o' clock in the morning and i can't sleep. or i sleep too much. one of the two, and the pills make three. they stew and burn the back of my throat; the chemicals dissolve and form words.

the medical literature didn't say anything about that. or the numbness in my arms and legs. the tingling has crept up my right leg for the past week, weaving itself between my toes and nipping at the back of my knee. maybe it's a side effect, or maybe it's diabetes. or a blood clot. maybe my foot will need to be amputated, and i will have to hobble down the aisle for our wedding.

he coughs beside me, still fast asleep, and i touch one of his eyebrows so softly that maybe i am imagining the wiry hair against my fingertip. will he still love me if i only have one foot? i could ask him. i should shake him into reality and tell him about the burn and the tingling and the wedding photos that i will likely ruin.

"i'm sorry," i say, just to hear the words aloud, but he doesn't wake up.

-

the one that got away wasn't a human boy with bedroom eyes, and besides, that's the stupidest description ever. the one that got away was a dog. a little red dog with long legs and ears.

it was 11:00 at night. i pulled my car off the side of the road and stepped out into the darkness. something rustled in the long grass to my right, and then it crawled out in front of me, head low.

"come here," i said, admiring the way the moon made its back glow. "you're going to get hit by a car." as if called by my words, a car squealed past, just feet away.

"this is a good way to die," i told the dog, and it whimpered and wagged its tail.

-

i'm sweating now beneath the blanket and my thighs slide against each other, sticky-slick. i shove my foot out from beneath the covers, abandoning it to the cold of the room. it doesn't matter. i can't actually feel it, and the toes won't move like they should.

he coughs again, and i throw back the blanket, fumble my way through the darkness. i bark my shin against the wooden bedframe, and the guitar rings softly when i bump into it. my fingers touch the bathroom sink, and i flip the lightswitch. the bathroom is too bright, too cold. i slit my eyes and peer out at my naked, blurry reflection.

my arms are soft. my legs are bruised. the eyelashes on my left eye are bent straight down.

i touch my reflection's glass lips. "what do you want?" i ask the girl in the mirror. when she doesn't respond, i bend my leg at my knee and stare at the empty space below my kneecap.

-

the dog's nose was dry, and its ribs threatened to break through the surface of its skin. it cried softly as i felt around its neck for a collar and tags.

nothing.

"come with me," i told it, standing slowly to my feet. "i'll keep you safe." the dog looked at me and took one step back. "please?" i asked, but the dog's eyes were on a pair of headlights in the distance. it huddled low as the car blazed past in a blur of light and noise.

i took one step forward; the dog took one step back.

"please," i said again, watching it back away. this time the word wasn't a question. i already knew the answer.

-

the wave of nausea is quick and overwhelming. i stumble and collapse against the toilet, vomiting bright yellow and red. it's a sunset, i think. or sunrise. my body is turning inside out. i jerk when two cool hands press into my shoulders and knead my back.

"shh," he says, it's going to be okay."

"i feel all wrong," i tell him between gasps and heaves. tears are dripping off the tip of my nose and filling my mouth with salt. he takes one step back, and, panicked, i lurch towards him.

"careful." he steadies me and reaches for the water glass by the sink.

"don't go," i tell him. "even if we have to cut off my foot."

"i'm not going anywhere," he says solemnly, and he holds me on the bathroom floor until we both fall asleep.
"La noche es la mejor representación de la infinitud del universo. Nos hace creer que nada tiene principio y nada, fin."

-carlos fuentes
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:iconsebonsall:
Sebonsall Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013
I'm crying, but I'm not entirely sure why.
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:iconvamp666raven:
vamp666raven Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful...
Reply
:iconpaperbackrevelations:
PaperbackRevelations Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love how your writing is such beautiful window into a different world..
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:iconbohemianpoets:
bohemianpoets Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Featured here [link] :aww:
Reply
:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Writer
You write using so many descriptions and details, yet so little words....
Reply
:iconstormclouds-gather:
stormclouds-gather Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
Ohhh, wow. I have no words.
Reply
:iconproudeyesneverlie:
proudeyesneverlie Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
this is incredible.
Reply
:icongheldon:
Gheldon Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates

I once again have to thank you..... By sharing your thoughts, your life, it makes the rest of us look inwards and just may make us examine ourselves and make that little bit of differnce.
Reply
:iconsully-bean:
Sully-Bean Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2012
this makes me feel all tingly and panicky. But by the end i don't, so it's okay. <3 beautiful.
Reply
:iconqueenjuicy:
queenjuicy Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you break my heart every time.
Reply
:iconsolider-1st:
SOLIDER-1st Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012
Do be careful if it pleases thee.
Reply
:iconej73223:
ej73223 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
incredible, as always
Reply
:iconculexknight:
culexknight Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2012
Ah..
Reply
:iconleadawaychaos:
leadawaychaos Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Student Writer
you make me feel, so intensly? its difficult to describe but ... and here is where i run out of words to say.
Reply
:iconmirellabailey:
MirellaBailey Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I've read this twice and every line of it is dancing around in my brain now. I love it that much.
Reply
:iconaiden-luna:
Aiden-Luna Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student Writer
I just can't tell you about what this means to me. It's beautiful.
Reply
:iconmirrymir:
mirrymir Featured By Owner May 30, 2012
the way you capture a sense of rhythmic rhyme with an elegant voice is truly astounding.
Reply
:iconvistirna:
Vistirna Featured By Owner May 29, 2012
Wow.
Reply
:iconfyrdad:
Fyrdad Featured By Owner May 29, 2012
Oh, yeah. Now I remember why I'm watching you. Thanks for taking me somewhere if only for a few minutes. Your words are powerful.
Reply
:icongorskig:
gorskig Featured By Owner May 28, 2012
Wow. Just, wow.
Reply
:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 28, 2012  Student Writer
this made me so sad... it feels good. thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconsharzela:
Sharzela Featured By Owner May 28, 2012  Student Artist
<3 as always. It wonderful, beautiful, reminds me of my own 2am times.
Reply
:iconbluesteeleyes:
BlueSteelEyes Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Student General Artist
it's so.. :heart:

(yea the heart kind of sucks and does poorly symbolize how great this is, but feeling in this case goes beyond words.)
Reply
:iconxshiningxstarrx:
XShiningxStarrX Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Ooh-how lovely! This is really deep, I love how much emotion you put into your work and how much description you use to bring the reader into the work! Very nice job! ^^
Reply
:iconwehrwoof:
WEHRWOOF Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
wow this is just...amazing. I wish I could make my words flow as nice as your works <3 I'm trying to find a connection between the two stories. i love how your literature makes people think!
Reply
:iconwritebynumbers:
WriteByNumbers Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful. I love the style--it just knocked me off my feet. The concept was lovely as well. :)
Reply
:iconfriendswithspiders:
FriendsWithSpiders Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I have been eagerly awaiting an update from you. This is fantastic. The part with the dog especially got me. I am going to be thinking about the connection between the two for hours. :D

On a side note, if this is from recent personal experiences, I hope you are doing well and feeling better. D:
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:iconkaboomkaboom:
KaBoomKaBoom Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Beautiful
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconauzerelle:
Auzerelle Featured By Owner May 27, 2012
This is my favourite piece that you've done lately, it's so beautiful.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
it's always so strange to see how an audience will react to a piece. i'm glad you like this one :)
Reply
:iconragged-ashes:
ragged-ashes Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"this is a good way to die"
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
if there can be a good way.
Reply
:iconghostporn:
ghostporn Featured By Owner May 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh lordy lou, this is one of the best ones you've done yet. holy shit. i'm not downplaying anything else you've done in the past several months, but this one, this one is like a cold, perfect strawberry in the heat of midsummer.

great great great great great job!

i hope the dog is okay. and you.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you!

i was driving to work and nearly had a heart attack because there was a small, reddish animal lying dead on the side of the road. it wasn't the dog, though.
Reply
:iconjennedy:
jennedy Featured By Owner May 26, 2012   Writer
this is an odd thing because i've been listening to a song called numb all day. i don't know if they're about the same numb, but an odd coincidence all the same.

this vignette terrifies me, resonates within me, and also makes me so jealous. it's incredibly, mind-blowingly evocative. thank you.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
what song were you listening to?
Reply
:iconjennedy:
jennedy Featured By Owner May 28, 2012   Writer
Numb by Linkin Park [link]
Reply
:iconsteffenc-itsjustme:
SteffenC-itsjustme Featured By Owner May 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Such a great song <3 I love it, along with every other song they made around that time. ^^
Reply
:iconmary-becca:
Mary-Becca Featured By Owner May 26, 2012  Hobbyist
this is just... amazing
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
<3
Reply
:iconlamplighter1968:
Lamplighter1968 Featured By Owner May 26, 2012
Wow.....I can't even find words to describe how much emotion this evokes.
Crazy powerful imagery.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
glad you liked it!
Reply
:iconohsparrowsong:
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner May 26, 2012
the second paragraph got stuck in my throat and i just need to write that down somewhere and keep it with me.

you have such a way with words, lovely
:heart:
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you, my dear!
sadfhkdflkaf <3
Reply
:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner May 26, 2012
love this. :heart:
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconshadow-sister:
Shadow-Sister Featured By Owner May 26, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I know that feeling, when mediation makes you feel all wrong. I know how hard it can be and I know the people around me can't stand me like that, so the fact that he's there just being there for her means so much. Truly lovely piece, it makes me hopeful :)
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Professional Writer
<3
Reply
:iconchloroformboy:
ChloroformBoy Featured By Owner May 26, 2012
oh god dat second paragraph <3
hypochondriacs unite !
Reply
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