1.

if i ever have a son i will name him isaac, because isaac means laughter and that is what you gave me and then took away. or maybe i will name him elliott after the musician elliott smith, or oliver because guess what, i just like the name.

you said that if you were ever to have a daughter you'd name her kelsey because you met me and you loved me and so you thought that the name kelsey means "someone beautiful who will come into your life and change you forever." i didn't have the heart to tell you that kelsey is really just some scandinavian name that means "from the ship island."

i'm laughter and an alcoholic musician and a goddamn scandinavian island covered in kayaks and you, you are just gone.

3.

three weeks ago i caught crayfish with a five-year-old and a salamander with my sister. i caught a cold and i caught three fireflies and i made wishes on them that weren't supposed to come true.

i never caught anything with you except fleeting smiles and hints of indecision.
fireflies were out of the question.

5.

my biggest fears are even numbers and making you sad.

if i were less of what you like, you'd like me more.

i write stories backwards. you write them not-at-all.

7.

my grandmother said that when the sun shines out from behind clouds in long, slanting branches, it is a brief glimpse of heaven.

this is something i will never tell you, because you don't think heaven exists. you gave up on everything that requires having faith.
come to think of it, i did too.

9.

i miss the funny stubble of your neck and the clearclear blue of your eyes and your sarcastic smiles. maybe i miss the idea of you, or just the little pieces but not the whole.
does it matter?

there are so many things i need to tell you,
so many words i hope can bring you back, like:

in second grade i knocked out my front teeth during my best friend's birthday party and sang to him with blood filling my mouth and dripping down my chin.
late at night when fireflies smash into my windshield, their glow lasts long enough for me to make a wish.
i look for morals in everything. i think about you in cliche abstractions. i wish i were named nadia.
come back.
come back.
please.

11.

if i ever have a son, i'm going to name him after you because brian means "strong" and that is what you were when you said goodbye.