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Submitted on
June 16, 2011
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the thing is, i need
the deer to mean something.

-

i go to the soccer game and smile
and nod while something furious
inside of me is screaming.
a deer appears while the sun
is setting and it's like a scene
from a movie: green grass and gold rays
that spread out, tingeing our feet
with one last bit of wednesday.
everyone watches the deer and makes
noises of appreciation and i look
around and i think to myself
"okay, this is it, i am happy."

-

the deer is watching me and i try
to decide if it's a metaphor.
i want the deer to be death, see,
to represent fucking or blacking
out or apathy or loneliness.

someone does something heroic
with a soccer ball and i watch
my hands clap together over and over.
okay, or maybe the deer is supposed
to be happy. maybe the deer
represents attending social
events and sitting with people.
maybe the deer means that
i'm ready to let go.

the girl beside me looks over
and asks if i've written any poems
lately. (that's all she knows of me,
that i write poems and smile vapidly.)
i laugh and hold my wrists
and write silent excuses on
my throat with my tongue.

no, sorry, too busy wondering
if the absence of tragedy
is the equivalent of happiness.


-

the deer is just a fucking deer,
it goes as quickly as it comes
and no one notices enough to care.

the sun sets and it isn't beautiful
or mystical or meaningful. it just is.

it's so cold for june and only growing
colder. darker. i still my shaking hands
and try to write a poem while people
on either side of me whisper and giggle
and touch. someone tells a joke and i
can't remember if i already laughed.

if this is happiness, i'd rather be sad.
try, trying, tried.
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:iconbros-key:
Bros-Key Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happiness is merely a word with an empty definition if we've no one to share it with. Because then it means something deep and inexplicable. But when you have nobody then it is better to be sad because then you're always feeling SOMETHING. But nobody wants to share someone else's sadness with themselves. And sometimes, quite often actually, sad is all they see.I am a dummy! 
Reply
:iconfelicityworthington:
FelicityWorthington Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2012
yes yes yes every single day of the last year was like this. i don't remember how to be happy or sad anymore. but your words are much better at describing that :)
Reply
:iconasthedarknessfalls:
AsTheDarknessFalls Featured By Owner May 4, 2012
That last line was possibly the most powerful thing I've read in a long time.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Professional Writer
a true compliment. thank you so much, friend.
Reply
:iconasthedarknessfalls:
AsTheDarknessFalls Featured By Owner May 4, 2012
You're very welcome!
Reply
:iconwitchform:
witchform Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012
one of the truest things. it hit a chord. you're great with this uh, with the imagery, with the feeling.
Reply
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Student Writer
I completely understand.
Reply
:iconephemeral-luncay:
Ephemeral-Luncay Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
beautiful
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you for the favorites <3
Reply
:iconephemeral-luncay:
Ephemeral-Luncay Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Reply
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