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Literature by trekseven

writing by tinayan

: writing : by skeletal-wolf


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Submitted on
February 16, 2011
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so i want to grow up and get a job and make happy, make money, make forget. i can't though, i'm too concerned with windchimes. i mean, fuck windchimes, right? i lie awake at night and listen to rigs on the rumble strip and the windchimes, (mostly the trucks), but damn, the tinkling is enough to keep me awake all night. but sometimes not, and then i dream i drown or maybe i marry a serial killer who props up corpses in rocking chairs or sometimes i dream about my ex-boyfriend's little sister because why not. then i wake up and it's taxes and credit cards and grades and people dying and shit.

and windchimes.

i don't know what is wrong with me.

i mean i do, though, it's called obsessive compulsive disorder and major depressive disorder and severe anxiety and a bunch of other shit that takes too long to detail, but i'm talking about the pieces insurance won't cover.

also fuck claire danes.

it's just like, when i close the door behind me i push on the doorknob six times plus seven plus seven, because shutting the door counts as one and then we're at three sevens. odd numbers.

people watch me do it and say "don't."
"i have to."
"no you don't."

oh.
i don't have to be sick but i am.


i don't have to watch romeo and juliet but i do. see, when shit got rough for juliet she made out with her dead boyfriend and then stabbed herself, but me? i just throw rocks and calculate my GPA. we all cope, and by "we" i mean everyone but me.

they say once in your lifetime someone comes along who you are absolutely meant to be with. like john cusack or some guy down the road or the person you're dating, if you're lucky. and they probably won't have obsessive compulsive disorder but they might, and maybe they will tell you that you don't HAVE to push on the doorknob twenty-one times, but you will. and it will be alright.

maybe you get it all wrong.

i got a lot of it wrong. choices, i mean. free will and shit. it'll fuck you up.
you'll choose lonely, throwing rocks at walls seven times and wondering why you have to pay people to teach you to be normal.

i hate windchimes, i do. and fucking claire danes.

i mean, i was babysitting this little girl the other day and she said, "do you know that disease that makes people have to finish things?" and my first thought was no, but why don't i have it? it would come in useful for writing essays.

only it turns out that she was referring to obsessive compulsive disorder and i said "yeah, i know it. i have it." she just looked at me all cockeyed and asked what it made me do. "count things, i guess. like the number of times my boyfriend's chest rises and falls and how long i can hold my breath. and i flick light switches or whatever." she looks at me like she almost understands and then is all, "so you know you have it? you know you do weird things? why don't you just stop?"

and the windchimes tinkled all dramatically.

i think someday i might run away. the crosswalks tell me to wait, wait, wait. i am not crazy, they are engineered to speak to people with mechanical voices. i was engineered to count things and throw up. i wonder what it would be like if i threw up all of my insides--better, maybe. worse, maybe. maybe, maybe.

i am so tired. if you offered me the chance to do this again, i'd pick no lonely and more pine trees.
shamelessly imitating him and uploading text files that rot inside my computer.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconbros-key:
Bros-Key Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I am obsessed with counting repetitions of things I do inside of my head.  How many cars need to pass before I stop looking out the window, and even then, it has to be a full five seconds of no visible cars to pull away.
Reply
:icon914four:
914four Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
“The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place: from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider's web. ” - Pablo Picasso
Of late I've been writing a lot of scraps that aren't good enough to stand on their own but I don't have the will to try and fix them. Reading your post suddenly inspires me to try again. My wife claims I have OCD, but that's a whole other story.
Reply
:iconkylaboo2:
KylaBoo2 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I have to ask, but is it you with the OCD, or is this written from another perspective? Either way, this piece is amazing. Everything I've read from you has been.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Professional Writer
it's me, to clarify. good question.
Reply
:iconxshiningxstarrx:
XShiningxStarrX Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Oh wow, this is a lovely piece! I love how much of yourself you put into this and all the points you made really think! Especially "i don't have to watch romeo and juliet but i do. see, when shit got rough for juliet she made out with her dead boyfriend and then stabbed herself, but me? i just throw rocks and calculate my GPA. we all cope, and by "we" i mean everyone but me." I always feel like that, like I'm the only one who just doesn't get over it like everyone else-thank you for writings this, it really gave me some inspiration for my assignment tonight! :'D :huggle:
Reply
:icondqsstring:
dqsstring Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012
I usually just lurk, but I related to this piece more then I am generally comfortable with admitting. I was just diagnosed about 3 months ago and I'm still trying to understand and feel... I don't know...less like I am the only person who gets it. Thank you so much for writing this because right now, I feel like someone else does too and that is really comforting to know.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Professional Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconyagamiseven:
Yagamiseven Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012
I love the energy that is in this
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconyagamiseven:
Yagamiseven Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012
I especially like the last line of this and your welcome
Reply
:icontheparanoidinsomniac:
TheParanoidInsomniac Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is just... so easy to relate to...
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
i'm sorry :(
Reply
:iconbros-key:
Bros-Key Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Some things genuinely make us feel bad about ourselves with no outside influence. However, other things make us feel bad because we're told they should, and then when we don't we're the bad guys. I love how you talked about how psychiatrists and counselors are conformists, it's very true. I expect great things from you.
Reply
:icondavidpoet30:
Davidpoet30 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
i liek how you write it makes me happy. and oh i have add yep i do
Reply
:iconnirrok13:
Nirrok13 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
This peice is amazing. I love your style of writing. it's raw and very powerful. I love how you dragged in the childs prospective! keep writting, you have an amazing voice that needs to be heard!
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much!
Reply
:iconnirrok13:
Nirrok13 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2012
you are welcome I really mean it!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012   Writer
if you offered me the chance to do this again, i'd pick no lonely and more pine trees
I'm near speechless, here.
Fuckin windchimes get me mad too. But a lot more is worse.
I'll shut up now.
Oh, except to say thanks and found this from the link at your DD. Checking your sig link now...
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Professional Writer
i really, REALLY appreciate you taking the time to not only check out my work, but to say such nice, encouraging things. it really means a lot to me.

but for real, fuck windchimes.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012   Writer
:iconyourewelcomesignplz:
Reply
:iconneko2631:
neko2631 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2012
<3. So much <3
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconfervvent:
fervvent Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i got a lot of it wrong. choices, i mean. free will and shit. it'll fuck you up.
you'll choose lonely, throwing rocks at walls seven times and wondering why you have to pay people to teach you to be normal.

really good point here.
i like this a lott.
:heart:
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 29, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much!
Reply
:iconfervvent:
fervvent Featured By Owner Feb 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you're welcome!
Reply
:iconblargpersono-o:
blargpersonO-O Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
really lovely, I ended up reading the other one first but still. My friend has this and I have a hard time understanding her but you sort of make it a bit clearer :)
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Professional Writer
the other piece was written first, so it actually makes sense to read them that way. i'm glad i was able to offer some insight into what your friend may be experiencing :heart:
Reply
:iconhelenshayleslie:
HelenShayLeslie Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012
I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I always use the number seven see :) I remember.
Reply
:iconskitz6:
Skitz6 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
Oh wow. This is really inspiring. The great thing is, it's very easy to relate to, even if you don't have obsessive compulsive disorder. It's a very good depiction of what it is to be human, with a new perspective thrown in.
Plus, it's written so beautifully. Very good job :heart:
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Professional Writer
thank you so much!
Reply
:iconmisfitablegrae:
MisfitableGrae Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012   Writer
I LOVE THIS. I recited it out loud, like fifteen million times, and get this published goddammit, 'cause then I can recite it to my Poetry class and everyone else can fall in love with it too! xD Sorry, but seriously, I love this. I love the windchimes and especially the little girl and the essay part. That made me laugh. ^^
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Professional Writer
bahah, you are too sweet! thank you so much :) i don't know if it makes a difference for the poetry class, but i'm technically a published author! sort of!
Reply
:iconlilphotographer:
lilphotographer Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
Everything is so beautifully written, so raw and true to yourself. Many gems in this piece.
Reply
:iconwritebynight:
writebynight Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2011
i have ocd too. i understand.
Reply
:iconavolatilecalm:
AVolatileCalm Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2011
oh fuck.

this is a stampede and i can't stop reading its running.
Reply
:iconragged-ashes:
ragged-ashes Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
and wondering why you have to pay people to teach you to be normal.

This. Expressed so eloquently.
Reply
:iconpaperboatdreams:
PaperBoatDreams Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Haven't been around your gallery in a while and thought:
"wow her writing is getting consistently more bitter and she's merging with her characters more deeply" both are great things since i know at least some of your stuff isn't based on your life.

as always you have a gift for story telling and for cooking mundane wording into a supernaturally read lasagna.

enjoyed the style.
cheers.
Reply
:iconmjtfreeze:
mjtfreeze Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2011
Free will + people teaching you how to be normal...in that place.Not normal at all, and f'd up a lot of friendships.
Reply
:icon109-0415:
109-0415 Featured By Owner May 15, 2011   Writer
You should try hitting up FWD (Feminists With Disabilities), or the ablism community on Dreamwidth, or some other place online where they call on people's ablist bullshit.

There's nothing wrong with you except for a society that's unable to be more accepting of mental illness and willing only to recognize it as something to be treated.
Reply
:iconcherrichan13:
cherrichan13 Featured By Owner May 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This is very different from what you normally write, but it's so very true. In my eyes, anyway. Thanks for sharing.
Reply
:iconaleriacarventus:
AleriaCarventus Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011  Student Artisan Crafter
Normality is highly overrated. Be who you are, who you want to be. Screw anyone who says otherwise.
Reply
:icondreamslive:
DreamsLive Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2011  Student Writer
I hope you find happiness
Reply
:iconmeowmix22:
meowmix22 Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
everything you write is so gorgeous, i get really excited when i overcome my laziness and actually check my message center and see you've posted something. c:
Reply
:icondoreda-lorinda:
Doreda-Lorinda Featured By Owner May 1, 2011
i second this, as i always feel the same way.
Reply
:iconrosienovember:
RosieNovember Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2011
i think you just broke my heart a bit. i got your book. i want to tattoo most of it on me.
Reply
:iconestallidos:
estallidos Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2011  Professional Writer
please do :)
Reply
:iconaquarius-claire:
Aquarius-Claire Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2011  Student Writer
This sums it up. you're amazing.
Reply
:iconverticalness:
verticalness Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
ahhhh I can never adequately communicate how inspiring you are and your work is
Reply
:iconeenesh:
Eenesh Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011
It made my heart tremble.
I have OCD and this pictures exactly my everyday struggle.
Thank you for putting it to words much better than I ever would :)
Reply
:iconraspberrychocolate:
raspberrychocolate Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2011
I think the reason your writing is so good, and so many people are drawn to it, is because you're so goddamn honest.
Honesty is creativity, if you think about it. Because if you try to hard to create something beautiful, it'll just end up like that one thing you saw that one time that you thought was beautiful.
So I really like your stuff. :)
Reply
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